


The Numbness

by OpheliaGlorfindal



Series: In The Eye of The Hurricane [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Character Study, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Drama, Family Feels, Feels, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Dragon Age II Quest - All That Remains, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 14:00:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19007227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OpheliaGlorfindal/pseuds/OpheliaGlorfindal
Summary: “Hawke, stop,” Aveline replied with a cracked voice.“No. I can heal her. Just let me try.”She closed her eyes, concentrating as hard as she could. This had to work. She needed it to work. This was her mother and there was no way she could give up. Not when she still had a way to save her. She opened her eyes and waited, praying that she would hear a gasp of breath.Silence.“It’s OK,” Hawke babbled, “I can try again.”Varric shook her shoulder.“It’s too late, she’s gone.”A one-shot that details Hawke's reaction to her mother's death, set after All That Remains.





	The Numbness

**Author's Note:**

> My embellishment of how Hawke reacted to Leandra's death on top of Fenris leaving her. All aboard the angst train to angst town.

“Hawke?”

Aurelie was kneeling down on the dusty floor,surrounded by blood and viscera. She stared down at her mother lying in her arms, willing her to say something — anything. But Leandra’s bright blue eyes just gazed lifelessly up at her, vacant and unseeing. She traced the scar across her mother’s neck with her finger,dimly aware of her friends watching her.

No. No this wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be real. This wasn’t her mother lying limp in her arms. It was someone else. Another person who looked like her mother. 

“Hawke,” the same distant voice repeated, “We need to leave.”

“Aveline,” Varric said softly, “Just — just give her a moment.”

Hawke looked up at them bleary-eyed, she could just make out Fenris standing in the periphery of her vision. Aveline was staring at her, ashened-faced. Varric was standing next to her, wearing a grim, retired expression. 

“No, just let me — I can fix this,” she whispered to herself.

“Hawke —”

Aurelie ignored them and placed a hand on her mother’s abdomen. She watched as her fingers glowed with the green light of a healing spell, feeling the mana flow through her fingertips and into her mother’s lifeless form. The glow faded and she waited for a few seconds. 

Nothing. 

“I can try again,” she told them, summoning up as much of her mana as she possibly could. 

“Hawke, stop,” Aveline replied with a cracked voice.

“No. I can heal her. Just let me try.”

She closed her eyes, concentrating as hard as she could. This had to work. She needed it to work. This was her mother and there was no way she could give up. Not when she still had a way to save her. She opened her eyes and waited, praying that she would hear a gasp of breath.

Silence. 

“It’s OK,” Hawke babbled, “I can try again.”

Varric shook her shoulder.

“It’s too late, she’s gone.”

Hawke blinked and shook her head.

“But we can take her to Anders, it’s not too far and I’m sure he’d know how to help,” she insisted, “Fenris, tell him.”

The elf shook his head, his face impassive.

“I’m sorry. We were too late.”

“But she’s my mother for fuck sake,” she told him, “There must be something we can do — it can’t be too late — it just can’t be.”

Hawke watched as her companions exchanged looks with each other, as though they were having a some silent conversation she wasn’t privy to. Aveline cast a cautious glance towards Hawke and took a step towards her. Fenris placed a hand on her arm to stop her. He padded over to Hawke and knelt down beside her.

“Hawke — Aurelie,” he said softly, “You must realise that she was gone before we got here. You need to let her go.”

“What?” she asked him, blithely, “No. I can’t. I can’t leave her here. Not like this.”

Fenris gently prised the corpse from her arms and laid it on the floor. 

“We have to,” he told her, resting a hand on her arm.

Aurelie jumped at the touch, the physical contact finally grounding her to her surroundings. To reality. She glanced from him to Varric and Aveline. They were exchanging looks, having a silent conversation that she wasn’t privy to. 

“I’ll go and get my men to take her to the Chantry,” Aveline said, breaking the silence, “Varric, Fenris can you escort Hawke back to her estate?”

They both nodded grimly. Fenris stood up and heaved his shoulders.

“Good. I’ll come by later, once I’ve written up a full report,” Aveline replied as she walked across the room towards the door. She stopped and turned, green eyes shining with tears, “Just look after her for me.”

Aurelie watched as her friend left the room. She was still kneeling on the dusty floor, her eyes fixed on the remains of her mother. She felt as though her body did not belong to her. As though she was watching everything unfold in front of her like a stage play. It still didn’t feel real. 

Hawke stumbled as she got up, her whole body was shaking. She felt the weight of an arm wrap around her waist, supporting her. She glanced up at Fenris, whose eyes were staring ahead as though determined not to look at her. 

She walked back to her house in a daze. Varric and Fenris took her through the secret passage that lead from Dark Town to the estate. The one that her and Carver had used the night they had snuck into the house to retrieve their grandfather’s will. A wave of nostalgia hit her, they had both been so young, so full of hope. She remembered how determined Carver had been to prove himself even though he didn’t need to.

Carver. Hawke felt her stomach churn. He was always so close to their mother, ever since he was a little boy. How was she going to tell him? What was she going to tell him? That a bloodmage she had let get away years ago, had kidnapped and mutilated their mother in some twisted attempt to recreate his dead wife? The thought made her sick.

“Hawke?” Varric asked her as they got to the secret entrance to her house, “What is it?”

Aurelie looked down at him, and bit her lip, swallowing the bile that was creeping up the back of her throat. She fumbled in her pocket for the door key, her mother’s door key that she used to sneak out at night when she was a young girl, and unlocked the door. 

“It’s all right Fenris, I can manage on my own now,” she told the elf and she felt him let go of her waist, “You can both go if you want to.”

Varric nodded.

“I have some business to attend to,” he told her, “But if there is anything you need, Hawke, just let me know.” 

The dwarf tapped Fenris on the elbow and muttered something to him. No doubt with regards to her. Hawke felt a slight feeling of appreciation pierce through the numbness. He truly did have her back. 

Varric bade them goodbye and the pair walked up the narrow stairwell to her home in silence. They stepped into the living room, to find Gamlen sat by the fire, Giacomo lying next to his feet. The mabari looked up and barked, announcing their presence. Her uncle stood up at once, staring at her with a questioning look. There was hope in his eyes. They were the same shade of blue as her own, as her mother’s.

“Well?” he asked, his voice shaking, “Where is she? Did you find her? What happened?”

Hawke swallowed. The words stuck in her throat. She couldn’t bring herself to say it. Somehow if she did, it would mean that her mother was really gone. She turned to Fenris who was hovering silently in the doorway.

“Could you please wait in the library?” she asked him, “I need to talk to my uncle alone.”

“Of course,” he replied, giving her an odd cautious look before striding across the room.

She waited until Fenris had shut the door behind and gestured for Gamlen to sit back down. She sat in the chair opposite him and stared at the flames for a few moments, taking a few deep breaths. 

“Uncle, I-I —” she sighed, trying with all her might to keep her voice even, “Mother’s gone. I failed, I’m sorry.”

She tore her eyes away from the flames and looked at him. Her stomach dropped. He looked as though she had just kicked him in the gut.

“G-gone?” he repeated, “How — what happened?”

Hawke blinked and shook her head as she considered her words.

“A-a bloodmage thought that she looked like his dead wife,” she explained, her voice quiet, “Trust me, it’s better that you don’t know the details.”

Gamlen nodded. Silence hung in the air and she waited for him to berate her for failing her mother. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but thought better of it and closed it again.

“I-I should leave,” he said, his voice wavering, “I need to be alone a-and I’ll write to Carver. He needs to know.”

“Thank you, Uncle.”

Gamlen stood up and gave her shoulder a hard squeeze before exiting the room. She heard the front door close with a heavy thud, leaving her with nothing but the heavy weight of her thoughts.

This was her fault. She had known about the serial killer for years; she should’ve persevered in finding him all those years ago. She should’ve paid more attention to what her mother was doing, who she was seeing. She should’ve seen the signs. But she had been too busy making a name for herself and restoring the family name to notice.

In the corner of her eye, Aurelie noticed the vase of white lilies sitting on her desk. She stalked over to it, anger rising like a bitter poison in her throat. She felt sick. 

Hawke hurled the vase at the wall. The sound of china smashing against stone pierced through the silence. Giacomo sat up and barked at the unexpected sound. She heard the sound of frantic footsteps running down the hallway. The door flew open just as she sank to the ground, overcome by the tears she had been holding back. She was shaking and sobbing as grief wracked its way through her body. 

“Hawke!” Fenris’ voice was sharp, “What are you —”

Within in a heartbeat, the white haired elf was at her side. She felt him wrap his arms around her and pulled her close. The metal of his chestplate was cold against her cheek. Fenris gently rocked her back as she cried until her heart broke, her fingers digging into his leather armour. Hawke took a deep, shuddering breath, taking in the scent of sandalwood and leather and sweat that emanated from him. 

“I-I’m sorry you had to see me like this,” she sniffled, glancing up at him with big blue eyes, “Feel free to say I told you so by the way, I deserve it.”

Fenris’ green eyes widened in horror.

“Hawke, don’t —”

She wiped her eyes and pulled away from him.

“But you were right,” she told him, her voice bitter, “I should’ve listened to you — I should have been more cautious about...about mages —”

Fenris shook his head. 

“I’m not — I will not argue with you on this,” he told her quietly. 

“Are you sure you’re not possessed?” she quipped, “The real Fenris would never back out of an argument.” 

The elf gave a reluctant chuckle. A very heavy silence fell upon them for a second and Hawke looked away, unable to bear the look of pity on his face. She stood up and sighed.

“I-I suppose it was only a matter of time,” she remarked, scratching her mabari behind his ears, “Bethany, Carver and now Mother, I’ve managed to fail everyone in the family.”

“Stop that.”

“What? It’s true” she replied with a hollow laugh, glancing at the shards of porcelain and lilies on the floor, “I should clean this up.”

She turned to get a broom from the kitchen, but Fenris caught her arm. She swallowed as she noticed that he was wearing the red scrap of fabric she had given him a few weeks ago when they...before he had...

No. She didn’t need to think about that night. Not now. It felt wrong. They exchanged stricken looks for a few loaded seconds. Aurelie tried her best to dismiss the memory as he released her arm, suddenly aware of what he was doing.

“Fenris?” she asked in a brittle voice, “C-could you read to me?”

She hugged herself and shuffled her feet, glancing up at him. His green eyes widened, pain haunted them. She saw that his eyes darted towards the door, before looking back at her. She felt small and vulnerable under his gaze as though he had somehow stripped away all her layers to the frightened and broken little girl underneath. 

“Are you sure?” he asked her, biting his lip, “It is late and you must be —”

“— I just need a distraction,” she told him, giving him a pleading look, "And if you aren't going to let me wallow in self pity, you may as well be useful."

His expression softened and he heaved his shoulders, his gaze still hovering over to the door.

“Of course,” he replied, “The same book as last time?”

Aurelie nodded, managing to give him a tired smile. They both walked into the library in silence, lost to their own thoughts. Hawke lit the fire and curled up onto the couch as Fenris sat on the floor next to her, picked up the book and began to read. Aurelie let the words wash over her. His deep voice sounded like a soothing melody to her ears.

Hawke sighed. She had missed spending her evenings with Fenris, teaching him to read. She had missed quiet moments they used to share, slowly revealing secrets that they had never told anyone else before. It felt like a lifetime ago. A far off dream that had shattered that night they had slept together, plunging their friendship into purgatory.

Aurelie closed her eyes, squeezing them shut. For a moment, it felt as if she had travelled backwards in time; back to when her mother was still alive. Back to when she was still friends with Fenris, before they had found themselves standing on opposite sides of a gulf. For a brief moment, nothing had changed and Aurelie wished that it could stay that way forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure where this came from, but it was really hard to write and I edited it to make it less...bleak.
> 
> Anyways... thank you for reading. Comments and feedback are welcome :)


End file.
